The Boy Of Steel

When we last left Jimmy Olsen three of the same story did not get anything resembling a satisfying conclusion. I got over a million signatures on a petition demanding DC patch Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #16, they relented, but all we got was a slide show. We also got today's story, The Boy Of Steel, but before that we've got some ads. 

Don't make me choose!

This is total bullshit, I sent in the coupon nearly six months ago and I still haven't gotten my merchandise!

Apologies for extreme lateness...The Three Lives Of Jimmy Olsen

I'm sorry guys this isn't movie night. I've been sick lately and my enthusiasm for that has kind of waned. Instead... Jimmy Olsen!


Superman like many rappers felt the need to help his friends break into his business despite them more often than not having little talent.  Like Superman's stalker Lois Lane Daily Planet cub reporter  Jimmy Olsen was given his own solo title. 

Jimmy is the photographer/print boy/everyone's bitch for the Daily Planet. He's one of that strange breed of comic orphans who seem to be have never had parents, or many parents who died in mutually incompatible ways. A similar case is Spider-Man, who usually would lead a reader to believe he was just kind of  spontaneously generated to be his aunt and uncle's nephew. Or maybe his parents were spies or robots I don't know. If I had to estimate his actual age I'd say early twenties, despite looking and acting like a thirteen year old. And not a bright thirteen year old. 


Now when I said solo title earlier there should be an asterisk next to it.  You see Jimmy's  kind of a spazz, so much so that Superman gave him a watch that emits a irritating shriek that only he can  suffer. A noble sacrifice because the simplest of tasks were beyond the boy. One time Superman let him get milk out of the fridge on his own and life still can't exist in that apartment building. So basically the comic Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen consisted of him getting himself into trouble and using his Superman dog whistle to summon his terrible Kryptonian wrath. 

Not the most interesting premise really so why are we here? Because the trouble Jimmy Olsen got into was fucking insane. Even by the standards of an era where Superman gained the power to shoot a tiny version of himself out of his hand! Let that sink in for a moment. . 

Jimmy spent most of his time being twisted in ways that would be quite horrific if it wasn't so hilarious to behold. In his "career" he had to lose so many superpowers that in early copies of the X-men titles after House Of M there were mistaken references  to a "Jimmy Olsen Day". 

Enough talk, into the void my friends!

"Superman have you considered how our relationship will be affected by this life changing-stop snickering!"

I don't get why Superman looks so surprised by this, by that point it was pretty hard to run into Jimmy on a day when he wasn't some kind of super-being.  

Odds and Sods 1#: Racism And Other Strange And Fruity Adventures

I'm so late with this, my apologies, so we don't miss out on the usual stupid comic experience this week I thought we'd do something different. Odds and sods is for things that can't support entire posts on their own, or stuff from issues of anthology books I've already covered but didn't have the time or energy to do in full. Or anything  else I feel like. Movie Night is still coming by the way. 

The Planet That Advanced Backwards!

The tale we are about to enjoy (or "enjoy") comes to us from a DC anthology book called Strange Adventures. Strange Adventures was a science fiction anthology that ran for two hundred and forty issues and introduced some fairly important characters. One such figure was  Captain Comet, a man who's a million years more evolved than present day humans and so adapted to hotter, wetter environs with many more thumbs for smart phone operation. Kidding, he was your standard Superman rip off. Another was the pre-Grant Morrison version of Animal Man, who used his animal mimicry to be a Superman rip off  and a foot note in articles about Grant Morrison's version.  

We'll be covering neither character today, instead:

"Now at one sixth light-speed it'll take us a couple of decades subjective time to get literally anywhere so I hope we all went to the bathroom." 

Yeah what possible reason could a society have to not last forever and ever? Bronze Age Collapse, fall of the Roman Empire, never heard of them!

Also that is one cramped interstellar space vessel. Barely enough room for a box of corn-beef sandwiches and a family sized bottle of lemonade. And so cramped, don't think you'll be able to crack open a window to air out a fart. Well maybe if it's a really, really, really bad one. 

Something I've noticed is oddly consistent in Silver Age depictions of the future, one that kind of disturbs me. Namely that little boys won't be allowed to wear pants, why? Are we trying to toughen them up for their inevitable drafting into the Sky Marines?  And don't tell me those are shorts, they're freaking undies. Perhaps we were trying to make sure kids were glad they wouldn't survive into this era. Wait the co-creator of Robin wrote this, all makes sense. 

What If The Fantastic Four Had Different Super-Powers? Part 2

And we're back. Please don't make me recap this thing if you've ever read Fantastic Four you know three quarters of what happened. 

Thank God nothing bad happens when Ben's in a room with a low ceiling

Oh joy scene from the beginning.2 with added monster. And why are freakish non-humans always so keen on money and valuables? Can't imagine this guy depositing a check without a lot of tiring explanations. "

What If The Fantastic Four Had Different Super-Powers? Part One

Well for once I didn't have to put an exclamation mark in the title, that's refreshing. Sadly I suspect every time I won't it'll be a question mark. That's how it rolls in comics. Any way today we're doing What If #6. 


What If is (or was) a Marvel series that existed to ask that question again and again. Basically every issue was a story set in outside the usual Marvel universe, where some decision or event went differently. Like say "What if Spider-Man saved Gwen Stacy and didn't marry Mary Jane?" or "What if Joe Quesada didn't take that last thing as a suggestion?".  It would then explore the ramifications of the difference. Usually this would serve as an attempt to make us think there was only one way things could turn out that wasn't death or despair, but not always. 

Some of the stories were interesting and well thought out, like What If Captain America Were Revived Today? (in the mid 80's), which explored patriotism being perverted to serve fascism.  Some  seemed like bad fanfiction premises, like half the ones where Susan marries Namor The Submariner.  And others just asked weird, convoluted questions, like Arachnamorphosis (your spell-check just exploded). That one asked what if Peter Parker occasionally turned into a ever hungering spider monster, had a son with Gwen Stacy who then died,  but also the kid has Peter's issue as well?


An almost disproportionate number of  What If stories involved the Fantastic Four, so our question now is What If The Fantastic Four Had Different Super-Powers. 


We begin with a naked lie. 

"We will not split the royalty checks!"

  This? This doesn't happen at any point in the story. The alternate Fantastic Four don't cross into the main universe, nor do the "real" FF enter their world. No, neither team becomes aware of each other's existence. I know I said in this blog's very first post that comic covers like to lie (even today) but usually they lie like a genie. They don't say anything that contradicts the facts, but they always leave out something, or frame it differently then you'd expect. This just fuck it and invents a fight. Is this where the idea of putting Wolverine on the covers of comics he isn't even in came from? And on that note alternate Johnny does not actually look like that in the story. 


So multiple people in the letters were demanding a team composed of Mandroid, Big Brain, Ultra-Women, and Dragonfly, specifically? Rather specific vision, are we sure they didn't impersonate the writers so they could unleash this upon us?  

  

The Anti-Superman Lois!

Ladies and gentlemen the other story from last post's subject issue. The Super-Reckless Lois Lane was a mixed bag for me, on the one hand there was some genuine fun to be found reading Lois doing silly cool things. But the ending is such a crushing reminder that no fun can be had with Lois Lane. Let's see what else SGLL #101 has to offer us. 

Some television executive was digging through his childhood comics, flipped through this one and shouted "Call Billy an idea struck me!" 

So Lois has to impersonate someone who's impersonating her, while pretending she's too stupid to impersonate herself. I'll give this opening one thing, I can't figure out the ending with one look. That's usually either a sign the writers have actually obliged us with thinking, or just the opposite and everything makes so little sense no scene can be considered in relation to another. Like a jigsaw puzzle with all the interlocking sides shaved away. 

And does everyone in the DC universe have prosopagnosia? Say what you want about Clark's stupid glasses but at least he's concealing his face a little. Lois Lane is a famous reporter who constantly has wild adventures and all she does is dye her hair.  Hope she washes it out before punching in the next morning or everyone will start yelling at the weirdo who just strolled in and sat down at Lois' desk!

Little know fact Silver Age Ma and Pa Kent did not die of old age, they shot each other when they started going grey. Both thought they were being burgled. 

The Super-Reckless Lois Lane!

In the Silver Age Superman had more titles than the leaders of many small Central African states. There was his first comic, Action Comics, Superman, Superboy, Adventure Comics and probably a few hundred others. 

It was perhaps a matter of time Superman's supporting cast would get their own spin-off. So let's talk about Lois Lane. For those who have lived under rocks for the last seventy years or so Lois Lane was Superman's love interest  and then his wife.  Of course since 2012 the wife part no longer applies due to the DC reboot. The DC reboot is an attempt to do "new exciting things" with DC's properties. Now I'm all in favour of new exciting things happening in stories, artistic stagnation is a bad thing. But I've noticed that usually when comic book writers say that they want to do new exciting things they all too often just strip away actual developments the characters have undergone. The exciting new developments are in fact arbitrary regressions. 

So Lois Lane and Superman in terms of their dynamic have gone back to the Silver Age. This is not comforting. 

Lois Lane was evil in the Silver Age. Nearly all of her plots in both the actual Superman titles and her own spin off  (Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane, a case of false advertising if I ever heard one) was basically about her lying to or tricking Superman in order to get him to marry her. Many of these efforts involved trying to figure out Superman's secret identity, because Superman is a genie, if you know his True Name you control him. 


I have always suspected Lois Lane of this era was written by a committee of misogynists dedicated to making the girls reading it hate themselves, and for the boys reading it to one day think that beating your wife is a little okay. 

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #101

P.S: People have given me mixed opinion on how big the pages should be. Please inform me whether this or the old size is better.

"Side effects may include albinism and breaks in outline."  

Ah I see, Superman has a fetish for suicidal women. That's why during his last hurrah in All-Star Superman he stopped to comfort that emo girl! Sorry guys but that thought ruined that series for me and it hurts less if I'm not alone.  

"My titanic strength and speed cannot resist the rejection of help from crazy ladies!"
-One Of Superman's lesser known weaknesses.

So how is Lois doing stupid, terrible things to impress or compel Superman any different then usual? The woman has nearly killed herself trying to gain superpowers for him hundreds of times. Which is really weird since Jimmy Olsen gets superpowers if he cuts himself shaving. Well he would if wasn't a weird perpetual-literal-man child and ever needed to shave. 

Wouldn't a really wild Lois Lane story be one where she pursues her romantic desires sanely and safely? Honestly posing on a biplane in stormy weather is like a four for her!

Lois of course does not get any input on the wedding plans. 

It is a misnomer to say Perry White perpetually smokes cigars. The thing is he's only ever had one cigar and it has never been lit. Perry just clenches it between his teeth all day long. 

Which no one here at the Planet would mind, everyone has their quirks, Clark thinks the glasses fool anyone except Lois, Jimmy seems to think he's fourteen, and Lois is bat shit for example. But we're beginning to worry, I mean has anyone seen him eat? Can.. can he even take it out any more? Plus I'm getting sick of him overreacting when people ask for a light. Why wouldn't they assume he carries some matches! 


And isn't there waiting period when you get a marriage license, one that's longer than an hour in most places? Metropolis is a wee bit too cool for Nevada. 

Also you know this has to be a dream or something because there's Lana Lang in the background without a self pitying thought balloon. Not sure how the blond woman is, Supergirl? Lena Luthor? Time travelling Jimmy in a wig?

Beware Of The Blob! Part Two

When we last left our tale-just look at the last post, it's right below this. I know it's rough but be brave. 

"I know you X-Men readers aren't very familiar with originality as the Doom Patrol fans like to say-both of them!"

Spider-Man never made much of an impact on pop culture since they killed off in like the 60's. Remember that? Also I'd swap places with him. 

I should totally deface Marvel wiki and put this as Multiple Man's first appearance.

They got Cyclops, by removing the one thing that stops him from killing you all! Okay!!! And really Angel getting caught is now surprise. Flight is like one of the things every other superhero gets to do. And they caught Beast by having some guy hold him him between his legs.


 And they caught Beast by having some guy hold him him between his legs.

There is only one way that can work and they are not  nice young ladies and this is certainly not the privacy of his own bedroom

"You're as helpless as I think!"

I'm running out of funny things to say. I've already exhausted non funny things long before. Please let me die. And yes use fire to trap the kid with ice powers. That makes sense.

"Our speech balloons are yellow, only Deadpool could do this!"

I would not be surprised if Jean Grey forgot she could do these things. And wouldn't knives have been useful to the carnival people? For like stabbing X-People? Just saying. And Blob, can take direct gunshots, but can't break ice. Even normal people can break ice!

The captions are on holiday, two posts for this thing and you'd need one as well.

Oh plaster that's way to tough for him to tear a hole in. And for a non conformist Beast you sure picked a strict cult. Also really Blob, you can't climb out of that? Actually never mind it makes this story shorter. 

Well that was short. Oh and Blob's thought balloon may be the saddest thing ever. 

I imagined Cyclops' eye beams on super low power would feel rather nice. Like sticking your hands near the jets in a jacuzzi but all over! And Professor Xavier gave speeches like that to all the parents of X-Men recruits. I kid I kid, he only gave it to Hank's parents... and everyone else he ever knew. 

I am not joking. 

And if his honour matched his power? Fuck you narrator, fuck you for every pound that makes up the Blob. 


This is one of the worst comics I've ever read. Arrogance permeates the story, the heroes aren't in the right because they do good things, but simply because they're the main characters. And Blob's origin is utterly morally bankrupt and I have no idea what Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were thinking. 


2013 is the 50th anniversary of the X-Men, who as you probably wouldn't have guessed from these posts are my favourite superhero team. Over the last fifty years the team has expanded, diversified and told many a interesting and wonderful story. 


And generally tried to be as unlike this early outing as humanly possible. 

Beware Of The Blob! Part One

In order to understand how X-Men came to be, we must look at Doom Patrol the Fantastic Four. The Fantastic Four was almost certainly following the coat tails of the Justice League, DC's successful team book of the time. The publisher of Marvel Comics, Martin Goodman asked Stan Lee to come up with a  team for the company .


The result was a bit different from most previous comic book teams. One way was that the Fantastic Four wasn't composed of pre-existing characters, but ones who shared a origin and were indeed an extended family. Very soon into their run they would also shed secret identities, and after a few adventures in "Central City" (presumably located in the East Cost State), they were firmly situated in a real life city, New York.

But more importantly they had genuine conflict among the heroes. Weird Silver Age shaded melodramatic conflict but still conflict. This helped it become a runaway hit who's influence is still felt by nearly every comic without wooden logs for main characters.


Obviously Marvel wanted to keep warming itself on the flames of the team book craze they helped kindle, so they churned out another book in "The Sensational Fantastic Four Style" (hey I didn't come up with that tagline), The X-Men. And they were like the Fantastic Four, except there was five of them, and they weren't related, and at the start they were kind of weird and creepy.

So yeah the X-Men started as a cash in. Stan Lee apparently decided  that coming up with individual origins was getting boring, so he had the five X-Men, Cyclops, Beast, Angel, Iceman and Marvel Girl (Jean Grey if you don't know her old codename) be part of a emerging race of mutants. Who are of course persecuted because normal people are dicks with no sense of self preservation.


From X-Men issue 3, Beware The Blob

The 60's predecessor to Weight Watchers could be a little zealous

Peculiarly Angel appears to have gained some kind of omnipresence power, for he is not only tea bagging the Blob but also flying above the logo. Also X-Men covers had a habit of claiming  something within was the strangest thing ever, for example the X-Men were the strangest superheroes ever. And while Blob is a little strange he pails next to the guy with the power to spit out a space ship, or the equally bald Charles Xavier clone with boobs. 

Also that X-Men taking America by storm thing is an overstatement... if saying Wolverine doesn't appear in a lot of comics is also one. Yeah X-Men during the 60's was never a very popular book, mainly being seen as the Fantastic Four But Less So. In fact for a while it only existed as a reprint title. X-Men probably owes it's more recognizable elements and it's popularity to Chris Claremont and John Byrne. But that's another story. 

Also look at Iceman in the corner logo trying to actually be seen, maybe he got sidelined as punishment for only throwing what appears to be a slightly dirty toy rocket at the Blob. 

Also soon we shall see why the Blob is such a threat, and it will shock you true believers!


There's a fairly boring add for a wrist radio, which would be great if you were attending a Dick Tracy costume competition. But we're skipping it. 

The First Superman Of Earth!... Welcome

A while ago I created a "general purposes" blog for my writing and it went nowhere. The thing I had the most fun doing was stupid comments on old comics with writing techniques that really shouldn't be held to modern standards, but I did any way. So here we are. And since this blog's title actively insults him, let's start with the Superman story. 

This issue comes from the Silver Age Of Comics, named so because it seems it's authors drunk nothing but colloidal silver all through it.  It was a time of blistering insanity and social tension, from the early fifties to late sixties nothing in comics made sense if you were the sort of person who was allowed on the streets. 

Sit back and enjoy some....   Silver Age Shenanigans!                              

"I told you to stay away from my wife Almighty Zeus"

I think a lot of the Silver Age Of Comics can be explained by how DC at least formed stories. You see since a cohesive creative team was considered to be for draft dodgers and beatniks, the artists would create a cover, and then give it to the writers to do something with. The cover artists I suspect were arseholes, always drawing these series wrecking scenarios, like Superman actually being an alien, or a woman, or Batman, or Bruce Wayne but somehow not Batman. It is no wonder cover artists were born with middle fingers already extended. 

So Superman has discovered images of his suspiciously identical father as a Earth superhero. By the looks of it he protected the world from ordinary lightning bolts. For all those stories that ask why do bad things still happen to good people in a world with a Superman, it's because he spends all his time flitting about in thunderstorms.