Odds and Sods 1#: Racism And Other Strange And Fruity Adventures

I'm so late with this, my apologies, so we don't miss out on the usual stupid comic experience this week I thought we'd do something different. Odds and sods is for things that can't support entire posts on their own, or stuff from issues of anthology books I've already covered but didn't have the time or energy to do in full. Or anything  else I feel like. Movie Night is still coming by the way. 

The Planet That Advanced Backwards!

The tale we are about to enjoy (or "enjoy") comes to us from a DC anthology book called Strange Adventures. Strange Adventures was a science fiction anthology that ran for two hundred and forty issues and introduced some fairly important characters. One such figure was  Captain Comet, a man who's a million years more evolved than present day humans and so adapted to hotter, wetter environs with many more thumbs for smart phone operation. Kidding, he was your standard Superman rip off. Another was the pre-Grant Morrison version of Animal Man, who used his animal mimicry to be a Superman rip off  and a foot note in articles about Grant Morrison's version.  

We'll be covering neither character today, instead:

"Now at one sixth light-speed it'll take us a couple of decades subjective time to get literally anywhere so I hope we all went to the bathroom." 

Yeah what possible reason could a society have to not last forever and ever? Bronze Age Collapse, fall of the Roman Empire, never heard of them!

Also that is one cramped interstellar space vessel. Barely enough room for a box of corn-beef sandwiches and a family sized bottle of lemonade. And so cramped, don't think you'll be able to crack open a window to air out a fart. Well maybe if it's a really, really, really bad one. 

Something I've noticed is oddly consistent in Silver Age depictions of the future, one that kind of disturbs me. Namely that little boys won't be allowed to wear pants, why? Are we trying to toughen them up for their inevitable drafting into the Sky Marines?  And don't tell me those are shorts, they're freaking undies. Perhaps we were trying to make sure kids were glad they wouldn't survive into this era. Wait the co-creator of Robin wrote this, all makes sense. 

In space, nobody can hear your engine sputter and the kids fight in the back

This trip took a few days? Wow sleeping must've been awkward, elbows, knees, toes and everything everywhere! A crap episode of a sitcom assuredly happened between pages. 

So apparently no one in half a century contacted this colony world, Tyros. The way Janos says "our super-cargo ships" implies that their government (which no doubt consists of a bunch of old white men in horrible dresses) supported this project. If so why the hell didn't they check on it a bit? It only took the family a few days in their crappy van to reach this place, so why not check on their no doubt astronomically expensive colonization effort. Trillions of dollars and at least thousands of lives must have gone into this, and nobody even notices when communications ceased? Or is somebody manning the star radio and not remembering to mention the societal collapse?

Looks like this planet used to be two that got squished.

Wow it's almost like as the means of production for sophisticated technology are lost people make do with simpler materials and building methods! As opposed to the sensible thing of trying to build a self cleaning helio-car out of dung and branches.  

And yeah evolution is behaving weirdly on this planet. For one thing it's adapting to circumstance and environment rather than ultimately arbitrary ideas of ever marching progress like it should. Also true fact, biological, social and scientific evolution are the exact same thing. It's why this story seems like it was written by monkeys. 

Funny I wasn't aware cavemen had handsome log cabins. 

He's very cheerful about the massive death and degradation they all must have lived through

Okay ready for a LSAOS challenge kids? You have five seconds to think of non dumb reasons for why a off world colony could lose their advanced science and revert to a primitive life style. 

5

4

3 

2

1

Okay what have we come up with? Let's see, EMP, possible. Disease reducing the population so industrial society cannot be sustained, also good. Civil war destroying colony infrastructure and killing off vast swathes of the educated, excellent. Let's see what the comic came up with.

So they started with metal buildings but those were eaten by a sort of metal eating termite. Fair enough I guess. Then their mortar and brick buildings were collapsed by their green sun emitting anti brick radiation. This idea is so unrelated to science in any shape or form that I can't even make fun of it. It'd be like if I tried ripping apart J.K Rowling for having Animagi violate conservation of mass and energy, except this isn't fun.  On a related note people in old comics are really good at regulating their breathing. When I run I can barely manage two word sentences, these people can flee from death by crushing and give whole explanations!

Wait, Tyros is literally a tiny planet? That comment earlier wasn't just referencing it's lack of development? So this planet so way smaller than Earth, yet has the gravitational pull to maintain a comfortable atmosphere, and not result in these people looking like they're made of noodles? 

Wait there's more!

You know if Heinlein wrote this the colonists wouldn't have bothered replacing their clothes.

Yes, Tyro is so puny that even the propellers of two air-planes cause massive hurricanes. I think this place would have to be at the most a lot smaller than my hick mining town's shopping centre. Then they tried trains, but they caused earthquakes because the planet is hollow! Yes this planet with one Earth gravity is not only ridiculously small but mostly empty. Also careful comic, acknowledging that cars emit fumes is what commie pinkos do. Next thing you know the world government won't be all white and American. Also it's a damn shame these colonists never heard of leather. And plastic clothes sound horribly uncomfortable. 

Hey why aren't the family's clothes melting?

  Who the hell picked this planet, if it can even qualify for the classification? Yeah some things like the metal termites I can see going undetected, but the minuscule size should have turned these people off.

And in classic hack tradition the family is charmed by the rustic ways of the "natives" and choose to live with them for all their days. They were less charmed when one of the kids had to be sacrificed to prevent this rock from becoming overpopulated. Or when the wife died in childbirth due to a lack of sanitation practises. Or when those that remained died in their early forties due to breathing in corrosive fumes all day long. 


Now before we move on to our next feature let's have some background. The dessert company Hostess from the mid 70's to early 80's had an advertising deal with the Big Two (Marvel and DC) where they would do short one page stories featuring their heroes saving the day with Hostess products. Most famously, their delicious fruit pies (I am legally obliged to call them that). These of course were insane. I mean there are only so many reasons lumps of preservatives and additives could stop cosmic threats, and there are only so many times Bruce Banner could be expected to have  had some in his purple pants when he got mad. 

These usually used original villains rather than pre-existing ones, probably because even those Spider-Man villains that live in dingy apartments and got their powers through not getting a date or something have too much dignity to be defeated by fake cherry flavouring. 

And now it's time for....

....Doom's Hostess!

  It's interesting that the comic does not end with the Hulk defeating Wendigo and the Abomination, but simply him keeping his pride in the face of defeat. It's the first Rocky movie of ads for fruit pies. And who may I ask are the "Twins Of Evil"? Wendigo and Abomination aren't even brothers and they certainty don't look alike, one's a fish thing and the other a Yeti. Wait, those boys look like they could be related, not out of the question they could be the same age. And they give the Hulk Hostess fruit pies of all  fucking things so he can get his strength up. My god, the twins of evil have poisoned the Hulk!

Also an odd thing about these ads is that you rarely saw the super-heroes eat the products themselves. And most of the exceptions are from the Hulk. My theory is that they just can't maintain those figures if they even take a bite out of things. I mean think a body like Thor's can stay like that if twinkies go into it? He's a god not a magician. Hulk however knows that even if he eats a truck of fruit pies Banner's the one who'll have to work off the calories. And people say he's dumb! 

Ah Captain Marvel, no not the one who's also a little boy, the one Marvel has to keep around to insure the trademark stays with them. Well had, this Captain Marvel died thirty years ago. What heroic death did he receive? He died of cancer despite people like Reed Richards working around the clock to cure him. And now his distaff counterpart Ms Marvel is more famous than him. And his children are all nuts

As benefiting a character with such a illustrious career Captain Marvel appeared in more than a few Hostess advertisements. I think the cancer came from the overexposure to Hostess products, yes even being near someone enjoying them is unhealthy. 

Nitro if you're wondering has the power to explode and put himself back together. His plan perplexes me since if I am correct even people who can do that need like air and stuff to stand on? And what's the motive? Does he own a lot of shares in a life jacket company? Does he think Waterworld is underrated?


And now a story we didn't cover from Action Comics 223

Janu, Jungle God

Maybe I just express my immense gratitude at not having to end that title with an exclamation point or a question mark? The story below is from the long running strip Congo Bill. Congo Bill was your standard white safari looking dude who wandered around Africa protecting the interests of his insurance company (really). He also did that weird semi-adoption thing that was all the rage in old comic books, taking Janu the Jungle Boy as his ward. Janu was your even more standard white kid raised in the wilderness by animals or natives (to the writers those two were basically the same thing) and did the usual Tarzan crap until he went to American to become a corporate suit. Seriously. 

And Congo Bill, well he turned into a super-powered golden gorilla, and changed his name. What to you ask? Guess, come on guess!


Guess!
...Congorilla

" Wow Congo Bill, it's not like I see the real versions of these thing every fucking day!" 

Despite being Janu's legal guardian Bill seems to leave him alone for weeks at a time so he can go see if that little old lady robbed herself or something. Dick. And oh shit race in an old comic, take your cyanide now kids. 

Also apparently Congo Bill never even taught Janu proper grammar, Batman he's not.

I've just realised that in old comics people don't have whites in their eyes, just their skin colour. Creepy.

So why precisely do these natives think Janu is the god? Bill was the one who bought the toys and Janu seemed pretty shocked that they were moving. Perhaps Janu fits their legends' descriptions of the god of looking at cool things other people turn up with. 
Also why is their syntax so mangled? Usually this is to show they aren't very fluent in English (even though this isn't what people who aren't good with a language sound like), but surely amongst their own they would speak their own language or dialect. Or are they suggesting these people are so stupid they can't even speak their own language right!?

Thankfully one Shrudlu does not buy a random white child in a tiger skin nappie being their god, making him the smartest character we've encountered in this entire post.

"In retrospect our food preservation method of hoping a young god turns up and scares birds away was perhaps the wrong path." 

I'd chew this thing out for being a truly insane coincidence but the truth of the eruption is even stupider.  Like if you forget everything you ever learned, even how to walk, talk, control your bladder/bowels and focus your eyes, you'll still think you're being intellectually insulted. Also guys, volcano eruption, shouldn't you be running? Suffocating as volcanic rock particles fill you're lungs not sound unpleasant?

I'm not sure how this tribe keeps its meat from being taken when they aren't testing potential objects of worship. Maybe their madness is due to a lack of protein. 

I preferred this with Marlon Brando

Wow one insane coincidence and a few lazy vultures and Janu is already going mad with power. Well here comes Bill to blow our freaking minds. Okay so the volcano did not erupt. In fact Bill simply faked it by pouring cold water on hot rocks at the volcano's base. You may recognize this explanation as the stupidest thing you've ever heard (if you skipped the tiny planet thing). One, hot rocks don't "explode" when rapidly cooled, otherwise putting out a camp-fire would be insanely perilous. Two, how the hell did Congo Bill transport enough water in his pith helmet to create that massive mushroom cloud on the last page? Is it made from a dead Tardis?  And three, look at the "eruption" again, you can see red, like molten rock being thrown into the air. How the fuck did Congo Bill fake that? 

And the vultures, I'm pretty sure birds instinctively avoid eating to the point they can't fly. Mainly because any that did would be eaten themselves. 

Turns out insurance claim checkers aren't the most jungle smart

If I was Janu I'd pull the "I'm a god do what I say" card. Seems like a god would logically have final say in these matters. Yeah there's the only smart guy here denying you three times but you've got the support of the others! 

Some woodworms got at the idol and the entire tribe commited suicide, good going Janu!

It's very fucking fortunate Janu smears himself with poisonous sap every morning, because why else are the hungry tigers ignoring him? Or did he just get very touching feeling with his mourning? And interesting that the natives don't notice that the man supposedly killed by lions has no bites taken out of him or stretches. Maybe the writers confused lions with basilisks

And yes Janu is truly the smartest "jungle god" of them all! Cleverly letting Congo Bill use his wits (if they can be called such, is it smart to use moronic ploys to fool worse morons) to fake everything for him. Brilliant.