What If The Fantastic Four Had Different Super-Powers? Part One

Well for once I didn't have to put an exclamation mark in the title, that's refreshing. Sadly I suspect every time I won't it'll be a question mark. That's how it rolls in comics. Any way today we're doing What If #6. 


What If is (or was) a Marvel series that existed to ask that question again and again. Basically every issue was a story set in outside the usual Marvel universe, where some decision or event went differently. Like say "What if Spider-Man saved Gwen Stacy and didn't marry Mary Jane?" or "What if Joe Quesada didn't take that last thing as a suggestion?".  It would then explore the ramifications of the difference. Usually this would serve as an attempt to make us think there was only one way things could turn out that wasn't death or despair, but not always. 

Some of the stories were interesting and well thought out, like What If Captain America Were Revived Today? (in the mid 80's), which explored patriotism being perverted to serve fascism.  Some  seemed like bad fanfiction premises, like half the ones where Susan marries Namor The Submariner.  And others just asked weird, convoluted questions, like Arachnamorphosis (your spell-check just exploded). That one asked what if Peter Parker occasionally turned into a ever hungering spider monster, had a son with Gwen Stacy who then died,  but also the kid has Peter's issue as well?


An almost disproportionate number of  What If stories involved the Fantastic Four, so our question now is What If The Fantastic Four Had Different Super-Powers. 


We begin with a naked lie. 

"We will not split the royalty checks!"

  This? This doesn't happen at any point in the story. The alternate Fantastic Four don't cross into the main universe, nor do the "real" FF enter their world. No, neither team becomes aware of each other's existence. I know I said in this blog's very first post that comic covers like to lie (even today) but usually they lie like a genie. They don't say anything that contradicts the facts, but they always leave out something, or frame it differently then you'd expect. This just fuck it and invents a fight. Is this where the idea of putting Wolverine on the covers of comics he isn't even in came from? And on that note alternate Johnny does not actually look like that in the story. 


So multiple people in the letters were demanding a team composed of Mandroid, Big Brain, Ultra-Women, and Dragonfly, specifically? Rather specific vision, are we sure they didn't impersonate the writers so they could unleash this upon us?  

  

"And piss off Uatu you're narration about not interfering will really interfere!" 

For those of you who don't know the elderly baby claiming to be the Watcher is in fact Uatu... the Watcher. He's from a race of  apathetic pricks who spend their time watching other planets because what else can you do to burn time when you have a bad case of hydrocephalus? 

Like all incredibly powerful alien races determined to be as cliché as inhumanly possible, the Watchers aren't allowed to intervene.  Uatu can only observe the Earth, and sometimes go down to tell everyone he can't assist them against some thread. He shall then explain exactly what to do. Also he is allowed to make it really hard for me to enjoy Earth X. 

For most of What If's lifespan the stories were framed as the Watcher narrating over the events within. He perceives all timelines at once you see. Why then the mainstream Marvel dimension is somehow more "real" to him is anyone's guess. 

The KKK later regretted their modernized uniforms.

I love goons who are explicitly familiar with a particular hero and yet they still seem surprised about their powers. Like how all the bank robbers try to shoot Superman and then when they've seen their rounds bounce back at them, throw their freaking guns. It's even worse with Reed Richards, he's a beloved celebrity with no secret identity.

I bet these guys have interesting conversations about the matter with their cell mates. 

Frank: Joe why did ya think bullets would take down Stretch?

Joe: Hey somebody had to find out! 

Frank: Joe, how long have the Fantastic Four been around?

Joe: Jeez I don't know, five, maybe eight years?

Frank: Feels like they've been around for five or eight year since forever, but yeah. Now Joe does it seem likely in all that time none of us ever tried shooting Stretch? Or the other three for that matter? 

Joe: ...Maybe.  

Frank: You know Joe I'm beginning to suspect this isn't an act for the guards. 

 Not much to say about this page, these guys are so routine even Ben wonders why they're bothering. That must not be encouraging to hear from a rock monster. 

Has anyone else  noticed when the Human Torch is "on" he seems to have been skinned?

 A ribbon of fire. I like how in Fantastic Four, fire isn't just a chemical reaction that burns things but a building material. You can even create a cage out of it. Scratch that a ring of fire they could probably duck under.  

 Also these are the worst thugs ever. Susan turns their legs invisible for a second and suddenly they lose all ability to stand.  Yeah it'd be a bit disorientating but come on she calls her self the Invisible Woman, surely you'd be expecting her to turn things invisible. 

Frank: Oh come on Joe, you could still feel your legs why was it so hard to figure out where they were?

Joe: I couldn't think straight! I was scared since I assumed that the Invisible woman just vanished things. 

Frank: Then how has she ever come back when she does it to herself?

Joe: I thought she just walked home. 

Frank: I should have killed that family, they would have put me in a different prison.

"Ever feel like some days are just to set up contrast for someone else's?" 

 These people are going to develop some crippling self esteem issues. I mean the Fantastic Four are shooting the breeze about how the biggest danger they posed was that the Four would slaughter them without even trying, over their barely alive forms.  They're probably all realizing they've just been pummelled to near death by the kid they beat up in High School. And Ben Grim, with skin so terrible he doesn't have any, has a hotter girlfriend then all of them.  

Well now that the bog standard fight scene is over let's see what guest commentator Uatu has to say. 

Someone's firing pickles at the ship!

Bah what the hell is up with Uatu? It looks like someone re-fleshed the star-child skull and stuck it on some poor body builder. So if you didn't know the originally the motivation behind the FF's faithful space mission wasn't so much science as dick waving at the Soviets. They sneaked onto a rocket, launched it themselves (because ground control just gets in the way during space-launches), without proper knowledge of possible hazards. 

I like how Reed put himself, his friend, his girlfriend, her brother and a no doubt investment of billions of dollars in danger, just to beat the Commies. He was so worried they might reach Mars in the hours of days the Four needed to wait for clearance  To his credit even Uatu thinks that's dumb. 

"They knew they would their bodies would never not be ravaged with tumours again!"

 I don't think they could find any foreshadowing symptoms for Susan and Reed. I mean Johnny get's a fever and Ben suddenly starts feeling like a ton of rocks, but Susan just gets a headache. I don't think Reed feels anything weird. I'd have his limbs go limp if I had the subtlety of the writer whispering "Their powers are reflected by what they felt then!" in your ear. 

Shame Reed never shared his autopilot with NASA. A system of that sophistication would have really helped with the Mercury and Apollo programs. Maybe Reed didn't because he was still bitter about not being allowed to fly into dangerous radiation. 

I have learned recently there are actually invisibility fetishists. How and why?

 Oh crap Ben's first reaction to turning into a walking piece of brick road is to try pick up Sue? Where'd this come from? Seriously when has Ben expressed any feeling towards Sue other than friendship? Or did the writers confuse 70's Susan Storm with early 60's Jean Grey. Please remember Johnny's her brother guys!

What is Reed holding? Looks like an abused robotic spider based sex toy

And now Science With Uatu! Yes radiation's effect on you is influenced by subconscious desires. If you're wondering the standard of beauty in World War 2 Japan was burnt, cancerous, embedded with glass shards and unable to conceive and bear healthy children. I've always wondered why doctors make transsexuals go through hormones and surgery instead of rolling around in depleted uranium. Also Chernobyl is off limits because they wish to hog the superpowers/miracle weight loss cure/cheap plastic surgeon. 

It is somewhat correct that being on fire allows one to be lighter than air. Mainly because if you let the flames burn long enough the air will be heavier than the remaining atoms. 

Also Susan's powers are apparently rooted in wanting to stay out the men's way. Of course.

I think I figured out the source of the divergence, the pickles are coming at them from a different angle

A question for any science people maybe reading this. With the actual rates of cell replacement in the human body, how long would it actually take for physical changes (silly as they are) to manifest? I mean if it took this quickly for new cells to be produced wouldn't they have to go to the barber's every day just to keep their hair waste length. Dramatic convenience lets me disregard this of course, though a slow Fly style transformation into the Thing would be incredible (horrible).

"If only there was something in nature we could compare you to!"

Flight just on it's own never seemed like a particularly potent ability to base a superhero around. Don't get me wrong flying under your own power would be amazing and it's dangerous in more ways than you'd think. I'd recommend Joe Hill's The Cape for some examples. Uh Joe Hill Stephen King's talented son not Joe Hill the dead socialist. But anyway the thing is everyone in comics can fly, even when their other powers have nothing to do with flight. Like normal Johnny, who flies through the power of Jack Kirby and Stan Lee mumbling about hot air balloons. 

Case in point, Angel from X-Men. In order keep him from becoming redundant the writers kept trying to upgrade his powers, usually forgetting whatever the Hell gave him in about a month or two. At various points he had metal wings, the ability to heal people by blood  transfusion veer descending from actual mutant angels (we do not speak of it), the power to shoot razor sharp feathers at people, and the power to loudly blare the Angel theme music whenever he pleased. If I had to say one of those was a joke, it'd probably be feathers thing, because come on. Besides if he used it too much he'd fall out of the sky, feathers are there for a reason. 

Oh and that's a big artistic choice to justify that bad a pun. 

I swear in every retelling and play on the Fantastic Four's origin a tree is used as a weapon. The films probably were going to have that space station possess a mascot oak but forgot.

 God hears you being a dick Johnny, he's having a lazy day so your punishment is blatant Colossus plagiarism. Don't tell me this was creative convergence X-Men had been rising and rising in popularity for three years at this point. For even more evidence that this issue's writers weren't being paid enough Susan just get's Reed's powers. The Fantastic Four is ripping of Chris Claremont's first X-Men team and itself. In a way it kind of went full circle since in the 2000's New Mutants featured a mutant with elasticity powers. Then she lost them and she and her bus were blown up by Fred Phelps. Karma works in mysterious ways I took from it, even when she's not part of the line up. 

Also "living robot" is the most 60's term I've ever heard in comics. Too bad this was made in 1978. Now what's happened to Reed?

"KILL ME! I FEEL NOTHING! VEGETABLES THANK THE GODS THEY ARE NOT I!!"

 I never got why Hitler and all those other nuts wanted people to save their brains. I mean at essentially you'd be stuck in a sensory deprivation tank. You can't communicate your dark whims to the world and your very life depends on people maintaining a sophisticated system of nutrients and oxygen exchanges. And I know people, people can't remember to feed their goldfish. 

I guess those don't matter since Reed is now a mutant telepath. I guess the rest of this will consist of press ganging, belittling Sue and secret agents burning papers in the middle of the street. 

Reed probably wishes he went into sports now.

 Judging by the various expressions of pain, anger and shock on their faces, Reed is doing some terrible things right now to the other three. Hey if Johnny's mechanical knowledge turned him into a metal man, what the hell would expertise in sex therapy turn him into? Also the explanation for Susan getting Mainstream Reed's powers, kind of Stretching it-I'm sorry I won't do it again please stop with the tomatoes!

I wonder if you can bullshit reasons for Susan to get other three's powers.

Fire powers: Susan, always warm and nurturing  like a camp fire or a flaming best friend in a chick flick. 

Rock monstrosity: Susan, as homey as a real brick house!

Let's try it with this version of the Four. 

Flight: Susan, so non-confrontational, no better way to avoid conflict than flying away! Except for maybe teleporting, since those wings must suck to have in doors but never mind that. 

Living robot: Metal is so shiny, isn't that nice? Just like Susan. 

Disembodied Brain: "Women may as well have no arms for all the heavy lifting they don't do!"-Said the probable readership of the time. 

Well this comic is "novel length" (fifty pages), so let's split this up a bit, might as well break here with the nice splash page. Keep an eye out for part two.