The Boy Of Steel

When we last left Jimmy Olsen three of the same story did not get anything resembling a satisfying conclusion. I got over a million signatures on a petition demanding DC patch Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #16, they relented, but all we got was a slide show. We also got today's story, The Boy Of Steel, but before that we've got some ads. 

Don't make me choose!

This is total bullshit, I sent in the coupon nearly six months ago and I still haven't gotten my merchandise!

Apologies for extreme lateness...The Three Lives Of Jimmy Olsen

I'm sorry guys this isn't movie night. I've been sick lately and my enthusiasm for that has kind of waned. Instead... Jimmy Olsen!


Superman like many rappers felt the need to help his friends break into his business despite them more often than not having little talent.  Like Superman's stalker Lois Lane Daily Planet cub reporter  Jimmy Olsen was given his own solo title. 

Jimmy is the photographer/print boy/everyone's bitch for the Daily Planet. He's one of that strange breed of comic orphans who seem to be have never had parents, or many parents who died in mutually incompatible ways. A similar case is Spider-Man, who usually would lead a reader to believe he was just kind of  spontaneously generated to be his aunt and uncle's nephew. Or maybe his parents were spies or robots I don't know. If I had to estimate his actual age I'd say early twenties, despite looking and acting like a thirteen year old. And not a bright thirteen year old. 


Now when I said solo title earlier there should be an asterisk next to it.  You see Jimmy's  kind of a spazz, so much so that Superman gave him a watch that emits a irritating shriek that only he can  suffer. A noble sacrifice because the simplest of tasks were beyond the boy. One time Superman let him get milk out of the fridge on his own and life still can't exist in that apartment building. So basically the comic Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen consisted of him getting himself into trouble and using his Superman dog whistle to summon his terrible Kryptonian wrath. 

Not the most interesting premise really so why are we here? Because the trouble Jimmy Olsen got into was fucking insane. Even by the standards of an era where Superman gained the power to shoot a tiny version of himself out of his hand! Let that sink in for a moment. . 

Jimmy spent most of his time being twisted in ways that would be quite horrific if it wasn't so hilarious to behold. In his "career" he had to lose so many superpowers that in early copies of the X-men titles after House Of M there were mistaken references  to a "Jimmy Olsen Day". 

Enough talk, into the void my friends!

"Superman have you considered how our relationship will be affected by this life changing-stop snickering!"

I don't get why Superman looks so surprised by this, by that point it was pretty hard to run into Jimmy on a day when he wasn't some kind of super-being.  

The Super-Reckless Lois Lane!

In the Silver Age Superman had more titles than the leaders of many small Central African states. There was his first comic, Action Comics, Superman, Superboy, Adventure Comics and probably a few hundred others. 

It was perhaps a matter of time Superman's supporting cast would get their own spin-off. So let's talk about Lois Lane. For those who have lived under rocks for the last seventy years or so Lois Lane was Superman's love interest  and then his wife.  Of course since 2012 the wife part no longer applies due to the DC reboot. The DC reboot is an attempt to do "new exciting things" with DC's properties. Now I'm all in favour of new exciting things happening in stories, artistic stagnation is a bad thing. But I've noticed that usually when comic book writers say that they want to do new exciting things they all too often just strip away actual developments the characters have undergone. The exciting new developments are in fact arbitrary regressions. 

So Lois Lane and Superman in terms of their dynamic have gone back to the Silver Age. This is not comforting. 

Lois Lane was evil in the Silver Age. Nearly all of her plots in both the actual Superman titles and her own spin off  (Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane, a case of false advertising if I ever heard one) was basically about her lying to or tricking Superman in order to get him to marry her. Many of these efforts involved trying to figure out Superman's secret identity, because Superman is a genie, if you know his True Name you control him. 


I have always suspected Lois Lane of this era was written by a committee of misogynists dedicated to making the girls reading it hate themselves, and for the boys reading it to one day think that beating your wife is a little okay. 

Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #101

P.S: People have given me mixed opinion on how big the pages should be. Please inform me whether this or the old size is better.

"Side effects may include albinism and breaks in outline."  

Ah I see, Superman has a fetish for suicidal women. That's why during his last hurrah in All-Star Superman he stopped to comfort that emo girl! Sorry guys but that thought ruined that series for me and it hurts less if I'm not alone.  

"My titanic strength and speed cannot resist the rejection of help from crazy ladies!"
-One Of Superman's lesser known weaknesses.

So how is Lois doing stupid, terrible things to impress or compel Superman any different then usual? The woman has nearly killed herself trying to gain superpowers for him hundreds of times. Which is really weird since Jimmy Olsen gets superpowers if he cuts himself shaving. Well he would if wasn't a weird perpetual-literal-man child and ever needed to shave. 

Wouldn't a really wild Lois Lane story be one where she pursues her romantic desires sanely and safely? Honestly posing on a biplane in stormy weather is like a four for her!

Lois of course does not get any input on the wedding plans. 

It is a misnomer to say Perry White perpetually smokes cigars. The thing is he's only ever had one cigar and it has never been lit. Perry just clenches it between his teeth all day long. 

Which no one here at the Planet would mind, everyone has their quirks, Clark thinks the glasses fool anyone except Lois, Jimmy seems to think he's fourteen, and Lois is bat shit for example. But we're beginning to worry, I mean has anyone seen him eat? Can.. can he even take it out any more? Plus I'm getting sick of him overreacting when people ask for a light. Why wouldn't they assume he carries some matches! 


And isn't there waiting period when you get a marriage license, one that's longer than an hour in most places? Metropolis is a wee bit too cool for Nevada. 

Also you know this has to be a dream or something because there's Lana Lang in the background without a self pitying thought balloon. Not sure how the blond woman is, Supergirl? Lena Luthor? Time travelling Jimmy in a wig?

The First Superman Of Earth!... Welcome

A while ago I created a "general purposes" blog for my writing and it went nowhere. The thing I had the most fun doing was stupid comments on old comics with writing techniques that really shouldn't be held to modern standards, but I did any way. So here we are. And since this blog's title actively insults him, let's start with the Superman story. 

This issue comes from the Silver Age Of Comics, named so because it seems it's authors drunk nothing but colloidal silver all through it.  It was a time of blistering insanity and social tension, from the early fifties to late sixties nothing in comics made sense if you were the sort of person who was allowed on the streets. 

Sit back and enjoy some....   Silver Age Shenanigans!                              

"I told you to stay away from my wife Almighty Zeus"

I think a lot of the Silver Age Of Comics can be explained by how DC at least formed stories. You see since a cohesive creative team was considered to be for draft dodgers and beatniks, the artists would create a cover, and then give it to the writers to do something with. The cover artists I suspect were arseholes, always drawing these series wrecking scenarios, like Superman actually being an alien, or a woman, or Batman, or Bruce Wayne but somehow not Batman. It is no wonder cover artists were born with middle fingers already extended. 

So Superman has discovered images of his suspiciously identical father as a Earth superhero. By the looks of it he protected the world from ordinary lightning bolts. For all those stories that ask why do bad things still happen to good people in a world with a Superman, it's because he spends all his time flitting about in thunderstorms.